Flash Dance

lightning

 

Those flying machines could take a lot, though, and my respect for them grew not out of blind following, but from experiences when they proved themselves over and over.

I transferred bases down to DFW when I got married and did a lot of flying in wild Spring weather. Those storms in the Spring always made afternoon departures a bit sporty but it was just a way of life to work around them just like the first ten minutes in or out of the mountains is always bumpy.

One late afternoon, the clouds were building and storms loomed all along my garden path to Atlanta. We just couldn’t get to Atlanta at my seniority without stopping off in Jackson and Shreveport on the way. Fact of life. That meant we were going to be keeping it pretty low and spending a good part of the trip descending through clouds to land. We were on our rock-solid B727 with our Ace military-trained flight-deck crew and we were set. This was back when we would avoid thunderstorms, of course, but we would flirt with them a whole lot closer than we do today.

The ride got pretty bumpy as we descended into Shreveport and it was dark out so the whole cabin was lighting up with lightening flashes and you could hear the thunder. I was alone on the First Class double jumpseat facing my passengers, sitting adjacent to the entry door with a space next to me. Everyone was strapped in and a little anxious. Suddenly there was a loud BOOM, like an explosion. Honestly at first I thought something had exploded in the cargo hold as there had also been recent terrorist activity. Simultaneously, there was an iridescent flash of white light that circled the entry door, then streaked across the floor and exited the far side of the cabin. The whole cabin lit up. While the light show was going on, I was blown from the fuselage side of the jumpseat, across the jumpseat and off onto the floor where I hung by my shoulder harness until I realized just how hot the floor was right there. I levitated off that floor like I was possessed! All the time wishing I had not worn a skirt that day (the things that go through your mind in a split second!)

All of this happened simultaneously and took less than 2 seconds. Then, as they say, it was over before we knew what hit us.

Fortunately, the pilots knew immediately that we had been hit by lightening and began a descent. We lost pressure as the seal on the door was broken. We got down below 10,000 feet quickly and did not need to use our masks, even though folks held on to them when they dropped like they were a lifeline. We landed without incident and that was the end of our tour for the day as the aircraft needed a little work.

Delay.

Everyone got vouchers to stay in a hotel and hopefully for clean underwear and a good story to tell. The plane held up like a champ! I now had a clear understanding of the ability to survive a lightening strike and what it feels like in my toolbox. I did not feel the need to repeat that lesson again (although I would to a lesser extent over the years of course…) and my confidence grew.

I had a lot more to learn.

St Elmo

St. Elmo’s Fire, Cockpit of commercial jet

Earth, Wind and Fire

micro

Those thunderstorms eventually got the upper hand and our confidence in our machines and our skills was shattered in an instant. Lessons always seem to come when we really think we’ve got it all dialed in. That’s when we have to be reminded that when we fly we are guests in another element and we must respect that.

On August 2, 1985 we got a very large reminder from another Flight 191, this one flown by Delta Air Lines coming in for a landing at DFW Airport. Another hot summer afternoon with those afternoon thundershowers that we were so used to at DFW, just work around them per usual. The flight that landed right in front of flight 191 was a Learjet, just to put things in perspective. It got a little wet and experienced some turbulence, but nothing worth noting. Certainly nothing worth passing along to the giant L-1011 lumbering in behind him, next in line to land.

Flight 191, the Delta L-1011 started vectoring around the showers, changing course a bit due to some wind shifts and rain, but getting a good path in. They were in contact with the tower, giving feedback on the conditions and it was a go for landing. Their gear was down, speed slowed and then the first officer noticed lightning out of a nearby cloud. As the crew tried to confirm, it hit. An other-worldly combination of headwinds, tailwinds, updrafts and downdrafts took control of the aircraft. The pilots used every mitigating procedure they knew to regain control, but about 2 miles short of the runway they clipped a car on Hwy 114, skipped up and then got hit with the final microburst that slammed them to the ground between two remote water towers at the airport in a fireball.

My phone rang. I was home, making dinner. It wasn’t even raining at my house about 20 miles away. It was my best friend and ex-roommate who flew for American calling from Chicago. She was so relieved to hear my voice. It was her turn to be relieved to hear a voice after a 191 accident. That was the first I heard of it. I turned on the TV as the phone kept ringing. I just stared in horror. I was almost surprised at just how personal it felt. This was family, this was home. The news, in an effort to have the story first, reported that it might be a cargo plane. You could clearly see the Delta logo, and I knew we had no cargo planes, yet I found myself hoping it was a cargo plane. I was just in shock. I must have stared at that TV for hours.

We drove over to Parkland Hospital to donate blood, it was the only thing the community was being asked to do. The line of cars started miles away. It was so heartwarming. Sadly, there were not enough survivors to warrant that response, but blood is always needed.

That accident radically changed how aircraft are vectored around storms and sped up the installation of doppler radar at major airports across the nation to give better information to those making decisions.

That accident also seemed to break the ice among crew members I knew to mention the unmentionable. Crash dreams. None of us will tell you about them, but get enough wine and beer flowing at a debriefing and if the conversation goes a certain way, we finally started talking about the dreams. It was like it was just too much to carry all alone any more. I don’t know if every base talked through it, but we were pretty open in DFW.

The variety was surprising, but limited to a few basic themes. Some people actually go down with the plane, some wake before the event. Some are like me, and witness the event and are always trying to get to it to help, screaming the commands learned in training. Pilots tend to have very technical dreams whether they are in the plane or watching. It’s interesting to listen to everyone and armchair quarterback what the dreams mean in reference to the person having them. It’s also comforting to know it’s just a normal “pressure valve” for release now and then. It’s not like any of us develop a fear of flying, we just have this dichotomy we have to resolve after being fed conflicting information. And there’s the sadness you can never display.

So some of you are disappointed by now because you picked up a book/blog about the life of a flight attendant. Wow! This should be a good beach read right? Well, I’m sorry to say, I’m telling you the whole story. All the things that happen. If you were looking for a book about slipping into each other’s hotel rooms on long layovers; you want to look in the fiction section. These are the things that shaped a 40 year career. Every flight crew member has this element touch their career. I like to think, in the end, it’s what makes us better at our jobs as we gain experience and learn where the edges are.

tstorms_article_img3

DL191

Bump in the Night

When we all begin flying the reasons are remarkably similar and include a desire to travel the world and work with people. Flight attendants are a diverse group, though, and once the crazy days of no schedule and just flying, sleeping and partying (sort of an extension of college) settled down so did most of the flight attendants I knew. We discovered that this was an amazing job that gave us incredible freedom to pursue interests outside of work. Those that started families found that they were home with their kids more than any other working Moms. Others became gifted photographers and artists with their free time. I chose to go back to school and pursue graduate studies in accounting and become a CPA. Others were my jumpseat study partners as they became lawyers and nurses.

Those of us who were in school or had kids usually chose to fly the all night turn-arounds where we would go to work around 10:00 pm and get back home around 7 am the next morning. We would fly out to LA and back or to Atlanta and back, sometimes with a few hours to rest during the night. These were actually very desirable trips since there were a lot of crew members that were parents or in school that coveted that schedule. Since these were coveted, and I went back to school after just 5 years flying, I could only fly one of the less appealing all nighters. Four nights a week I would fly from Dallas to Jackson, MS to Shreveport, LA and then sit for 2 hours. This is where it got really glamorous and you’re going to wish you had worked this job, if only for a while…

Shreveport did not have a “crew lounge” since it wasn’t a crew base. Makes sense. They were kind enough to allow us to use their conference room (reads: long table with chairs around it) to rest quietly while we waited to depart for Atlanta.There were 3 flight attendants (we were on a 727) so 2 pushed chairs together to sleep on and one slept up on the table. We brought our own pillows from home and left them there in garbage bags with our own blankets to make it “homey.” It was lovely.

This room was all windows on one end which looked out at the ramp where our jet was parked. This was incredibly convenient for us. Our pilots were just coming off a layover each morning, so when they boarded the plane and fired her up and turned on the lights, that room lit up like Christmas! OK, wakey wakey!! We would all jump up, grunt at each other. Take turns in the bathroom and head up to do it again. That is so glamorous right???

On this hot August morning, August 31, 1988, we boarded our flight and were glad to see 3 of our favorite pilots. These guys were just a delight to fly with. They were always on top of their game and they were easy going and calm. It was going to be a good finish to our day. We flew to Atlanta where the flight number changed for the return trip to Dallas which is a typical scenario. It became flight 1141 and was scheduled to fly from Atlanta to Dallas/Ft. Worth and then continue on to Salt Lake City.

After an uneventful flight, our cabin crew got off and finished our “day” every morning in DFW, and ironically, one of the more junior crews in the base always handed the plane over to the most senior cabin crew in the base. They also were on a turn around, but it flew during the day and just a few days a week. Even though we were senior enough to know what we were doing, they always debriefed us to make sure we had ordered exactly what they wanted for their leg of the trip. It was just a running grin between the two crews and that day was no different. Yes, we ordered extra orange juice. There’s a nice lady at 10C that needs wheelchair assistance. A full update on any special needs on board for those passengers traveling through was provided.

Then I looked around and saw at least 5 of my dearest friends waiting to board the flight. It was like a reunion! We had a great visit. Turns out they were part of a group of 21 flight attendants flying up to the Salt Lake base that day for annual recurrent training.

I left the terminal with a smile on my face after seeing so many friends and having a good morning. driving home, I skipped the radio and just wound down with some Jimmy Buffet so I could get right to sleep when I got home.

I arrived home to the phone ringing. Again.

My husband.

Yes, I’m ok. Why?

He worked in an office that could see the smoke at the field. The news was anxious again. Not sure if it was DL 1141 down on landing from Atlanta or takeoff for Salt Lake. Damn. That’s a big difference. Why can’t they wait????

The other 2 flight attendants and I that worked together got on the phone while the TV carried on. We were so scared for the wheelchair lady. They started showing survivors showing up at hospitals. We would scream when we saw someone we knew. I couldn’t stop crying. Finally my husband got home and poured me a water glass full of scotch and put me in bed. I was near catatonic, rocking back and forth sobbing. The guilt was overwhelming. Did I miss something?

I had another trip that night. I finally called and told them I didn’t think I could do it. They told me it would go against my record.

This was before sensitivity training.

I went. The employee parking lot smelled burnt. I walked into the crew lounge and it looked like a funeral home. It was absolutely touching, but overwhelming. There were giant sprays of flowers and flower arrangements filling the lounge from airlines and governments and aviation companies worldwide. I read every card.

We lost our 2 most senior flight attendants that day. Sixteen souls perished in total.

One of my best friends to this day survived, she had been deadheading the first leg of a trip with her crew that day. The trauma was unspeakable, but she didn’t give in to it. Yes, it changed her, but she prevailed. Years later, when we could finally talk about it, I learned so much from her about the reality inside a cabin in an accident. I always knew that training could only take us so far, but we had to be ready for what would really happen in a crisis. She made me a better flight attendant by walking through that with me. Later, when I became a corporate flight attendant, I always tried to pass along intuitive thinking to my executives so they might think through an emergency rather than freeze. That was hugely rewarding, and they seemed particularly interested in learning new things that nobody ever shared with them. We all grew.

Those flying machines that ended up in pieces on the ground changed how we flew, how we trained and how we mentally approached flying from that point forward. Every year, those flight crews that can be so annoying and are a great target for ridicule, quietly spend a few days re-training in safety measures to stay on top of their games. Recurrent training is a stressful time for any crew member. We don’t typically speak about it overtly, we do talk about how much we dread it or hate it. The day is usually ended with some serious “debriefing” to take the stress level down. It’s not just that our skills are tested and we have to pass that is stressful. We spend a good part of the day studying accidents and incidents to learn from them so we might react better in the future. We relive these situations over and over. We re-enact horrific events over and over in mock-ups until we react appropriately without thinking.

As an industry we approach flying in storms, crew rest and communications differently after these events. I smile quietly when a new crew discusses “sterile cockpit” with me; they have no idea I was one of the last crew members to talk with the crew that created the need for that policy. I personally grew a new conviction to say something if I ever noticed something even if it meant I might get in trouble.

And I did…

1141

Delta Flight 1141 8/31/1988 DFW-SLC

Ice Ice Baby

One night on a Vegas junket we were considerably delayed due to an ice storm in Dallas. You can only imagine. Finally after hours on hold, we get a tiny window to take off. Oh the joy of it all!!!

I was seated on the aft jumpseat on a MD-90 which is neatly sandwiched between the two aft engines. It really is a charming setup and I’m sure contributed to my hearing skills to this day, but I digress.

As we began our takeoff roll, suddenly a high-pitched screeching noise and whining began in the number 2 engine on my right. It grew in intensity and there was no doubt in my mind when I called the flight deck and said “abort!”

The captain barked “no!”

Of course I knew my place in the chain of command, and it was not such that I could order the captain to abort, but time was of the essence and there was no time to talk it out. I also anticipated that he could hear the noise as I left the interphone open.

He must have heard the otherworldly noise, since he did abort and pull over.

He called me up to the cockpit. He was not pleased.

After explaining that I had not heard a noise like that in over 20 years, I fly by sound and that I think a mechanic might want to lay eyes on it, his (remaining) hair stood on end and he said we were going to Vegas; it was his ship.

I announced to the flight recorder (recycles every 30 minutes) that I voted to examine the engine and was going against my will and I loved my husband very much.

We went back to the terminal.

He told me to get off. As I sat in the terminal contemplating my next career move, I saw a mechanic come out to look at the engine. A few minutes later the captain came in and sat next to me. It turns out we had sucked a large chunk of ice into that engine from the ice storm and it had stripped the metal blades clean. If we had tried to take off we would have pitched and most likely lost control.

This became another teaching piece for crews in years to come, on CRM and communication with the entire team. Rigid authority can be a big issue culturally and has contributed to air disasters of foreign airlines, and it can cause clashes when military SOPs try to blend with civilians. That was one night I was glad I took a lesson from my personal past and stuck to my convictions and spoke up.

Maddog

What’s Behind THAT Door?

OK, if there’s that much stress and responsibility involved from time to time, where do flight attendants go to get a few moments on their own? What’s really behind those doors they key a code into and then disappear behind without so much as a glance back? Let’s start by entering the sacred confines of the “Stew Lounge,” or which later came to be more politically correctly referred to as the “Crew Lounge.”

luxlounge

I bet this is where most folks think we cool our heels while we wait for our next flight or where we report to work. Our “office” if you will.

front_lounge

This is a lot closer to reality.

chaos

Back when I started, it was actually some old mismatched furniture from a thrift store or something employees were going to throw out so they carted it downstairs and stuck it in our space. Whatever. We didn’t know better and it was home to us.

So what goes on down there? Well, it is usually below the terminal, at least 2-3 long flights of stairs down. Never an elevator or escalator. I think that’s how they get rid of the really senior flight attendants. When you can’t carry your luggage up or down any more, you have to quit.

There’s usually a bank of computers, a cube farm of sorts where these days a flight attendant signs in and checks his or her schedule and email and takes care of any business and then wanders out into the open area. Back in the dark ages you actually “signed in” physically so they could check your weight, makeup and foundation garments to make sure you were presentable. That sure wouldn’t fly now thank goodness!

There’s seating arrangements where you can visit with friends or get comfortable and wait to go to your briefing for your flight. There’s a hall to the supervisors’ offices which you avoid at all costs. Then there is the sacred wall of vending machines. And the microwave. Now we are talking home!! This is usually adjacent to the sea of Nauga Recliners. Ahhhhhhhhh, how do you spell relief? They all face the podium with the TV!

Watching TV in a stew lounge is a spectator sport. I didn’t realize we watched TV differently until I began really annoying my husband when I was home and he would just glare at me. We all comment openly and often on what is being said on the TV. We also feel compelled to discuss these topics among ourselves. It is our firm belief that we know each of the players on the screen personally and we probably know what would work best for them. It’s absolutely normal to be happily snacking on popcorn while watching Ellen when a colleague will walk in front of the TV, glance up at the guest, and utter “bitch” and just keep going while others chime in “uh-huh!”  Tough crowd.

I tried to understand why we are all like this after it became apparent to me that everyone doesn’t watch TV like this, and I think it could be because we keep so many opinions filtered and quiet when working that it is just a release. Maybe it is because we spend so much time alone in hotels watching TV that we talk to it like a companion? Who knows? It’s a very fun, relaxed environment and a great way to unwind when you stop in mid-day.

I am mindful, though, that the lounge is not a completely sexually equal and evolved environment even in these modern times. Oh I know men all over have this glorified idea of spending a few hours downstairs in a stew lounge. Ask a male flight attendant, though. We women are just as guilty as any majority in power at being inconsiderate and forgetting there are members of the opposite sex around. People just adjust their pantyhose and bras and blouses in the lounge where the urge hits them. It’s not pretty I guess if you were to notice. I think we all get so used to not noticing that it never comes up as an issue. It’s sort of like not noticing the incessant “checking the package” in pro baseball on national TV in the batter’s box. Whatever. We’re family down there.

The announcements in a stew lounge don’t resemble reality as most folks would see it either. Just sitting in one of our international lounges you’ll hear amazing announcements as they call for the briefings for exotic destinations worldwide. What defies reality, though, are the last minute swaps. You can be just killing time reading and hear an announcement asking if anyone wants to swap their Rio for Madrid departing today? A crew member flying Madrid has a great friend on the Rio trip and they want to fly together. Sure why not? It usually works out. I mean I get on the plane, I close the door, I fly for 8-10 hours, I open the door and I get off the plane. All good to me! We all know how much fun it can be to end up on a trip with a great friend. That’s more important.

Bottom line is you descend into a crew lounge at your own risk and your skin thickens on the way down. It is not a reality based world down there, but we aren’t exactly taking a break from a reality based profession I’ve come to realize.

Oh, You Sleep???

Another door that always interests folks is the unmarked door to the crew rest quarters on the 777. Where does that go????

It may be located in different places on different configurations, but ours was across from a lav in the main cabin with no markings whatsoever. I never looked behind me to see the look on people’s faces when I entered, but they always looked at me as I exited like “where in the Hell did YOU come from?”

stairs              seats

Well, once behind that door you climb about 6 steps straight up. Another seniority mitigating move. You then enter a great little cabin-above-the-cabin that is quiet. Ours was configured with 2 bunks forward where the most senior person slept (separated from off-gassing and snoring…) and then a center area with 2 first class reclining seats for anyone who wanted to read or listen to music or watch a movie. Immediately aft of that area were 6 bunks, 3 on each side, set up something like a sleeper car on a train. They were cubby holes where you could pull a curtain closed for privacy. Inside you had air vents, entertainment jacks, a mirror, disposable linens, a blanket and a pillow. It was Heaven. On long-haul flights the wonderful thing was that you could be ALONE for a period of time. On my ATL-DXB flights which ran close to 17 hours, we could sometimes get a 5 hour crew rest. On shorter flights it might be a 3 hour rest. Whatever you got was yours and that was golden.

bunks

During briefing you would choose your crew rest (you go up in shifts) by seniority. Nobody particularly wanted to go first because you really weren’t tired yet. The middle was better because it broke the flight up. I liked the last shift the most because I would arrive at my destination rested and when I came off crew rest I knew it was just one quick service and done. The last one was always most popular. After 30 years or so sometimes I got what I wanted and sometimes I didn’t. It kept me humble.

Everyone kept watch for when it was time for their particular crew rest. Woe be to you if you get between a crew member heading towards crew rest and that door. It’s serious. The designated crew member calls upstairs about 10 minutes before shift change to wake everyone and everybody knows it’s time to get your bunk cleaned up, set up for the next person, get dressed and out so you don’t slow the process down. Everything is timed to the second and once again, there’s no consideration for sexual orientation. If you don’t want to see someone putting their skirt or pants on out in the aisle up there, don’t look. Trust me, none of us want to see it and nobody looks. You can’t sleep in your clothes and you can’t get dressed in those bunks. Hence the dressing in the aisle.

One by one we stumble down the ladder and out the door, squinting at the light  like zombies. Of course the first stop is the lav to brush your teeth and such, and I was always amused when leaving the lav on an aircraft when the next person in line would look at me like “Oh, it’s you…” like we don’t use bathrooms or they shouldn’t wait for us.

Back to reality as we know it, showtime!

bunks2

The cabin above the cabin. Where your crew goes to get a break.

Why Do You DO That??

galley

Very closely related to the need for doors that we disappear behind is the burning question that springs to a crew member’s lips repeatedly during their career:   What on earth would posses you to do THAT? Of course that question must remain suppressed, so eventually we must disappear behind doors and curtains and roll our eyes. Yes, we think of curtains as a privacy screen. We wish the flying public would as well.

It doesn’t seem like that much to ask. After 2-3 hours of non-stop delivery of food and beverages and retrieval of trash and delivery of seconds and fluffing of blankets on a packed long haul flight, it might be a good moment to try to grab something to eat. Typically we eat in the galley, standing up and take less than 5 minutes to do so.

Anyone who has ever tried to enjoy a leisurely meal with a flight attendant knows it’s something like eating with a Dyson. We inhale our food and then just sit there. Our social skills need a little work in that department.

So we pull the galley curtain closed. Ah, privacy. We carefully peel back the foil on an entrée, or unwrap something we have thoughtfully brought from home, and prepare for a moment to ourselves. Chewing, drifting somewhere in our minds for a moment, then SWISH! Back goes the curtain with a flourish and a head pokes in. Now we never lose sight that we are at work and this is not our personal space, but when a head pops in for a coke (usually) or to come in and do “Galley Yoga” (dramatic stretching in our only space) we just quiver. Folks, we have nowhere to go. You have a seat and the aisles, we have nowhere. We just want to eat. The very best ones are the ones who look at your homemade sandwich and ask “Where did you get THAT?” I’ll admit I brought it from home and they will honestly ask if I:

  • Have another?
  • Am going to finish it?
  • Feel like sharing?

Oh yes they do!!

On commercial jets behind swishing curtains is where my intense respect for privacy was born that served me well when I transitioned into private aviation. I mean high profile people can never go out to eat without people watching them or feeling like they have a right to be a part of their meal. Trust me on this, nobody likes to be watched while they eat like a sitcom on TV. We are not the entertainment.

We also have curtains around the crew rest areas on long haul flights that do not have dedicated crew rest cabins. Crew rotates into those areas for a few hours to rest on 9-10 hour flights to stay fresh and for legality purposes. There is always a full compliment of working crew on deck. The curtain allows us to close our eyes in privacy and blocks out light (but trust me, not noise.) I can’t tell you how often folks whip back that curtain “just to see” what’s behind it. Sometimes they just declare “Oh! You’re sleeping!!” Well no, actually, not any more…

Sometimes they whip it back, see us in there and are delighted!

They ask for a coke!

Why do you do that????

767crewrest

Crew rest area on 767, main cabin.

Coffee, Tea or?

coffee

Another one that will make us want to snap you on the head after about 20 rows of this routine over and over and ask: “Why do you DO that?” has to do with basic (?) courtesy.

Back to a breakfast flight. The breakfast lights are on, for those of you following in chronological order here 😉 and we are serving coffee fast and furious. On a typical main cabin configuration the seats are 3 and 3 for miles. It’s truly predictable where we are going next, when we will get to you and what we will ask.

We’ve already asserted that flight attendants are the entertainment on a flight, so you’ve been keeping track of when we will get to you with the nectar of the Gods.

Ok, here I am, at YOUR row. All 3 of you very important people cannot even look at me. Finally the guy in the middle looks up and I ask if he would care for a beverage.

“Coffee.”

We like to call that ordering “caveman style.” Just a grunt. Better get it fast and figure out what it means. Go!

I politely inquire if this grown person would like cream or sugar (reads: Do you know after 50 years on this earth how you take your coffee or shall I guess?)

“Sugar.”

I place the coffee down and while I am asking the next person if they would care for a beverage, person 1 barks: “Oh, and some cream!”  Like we’re going to try something new today!!

So I deliver the cream I seemingly forgot, and learn that person 2 wants orange juice and coffee. I go through the whole cream or sugar routine again, and then put some ice in a cup (habit) and pour some juice.

“No Ice.”

Oh, I’m sorry, let me fix that. I pour the juice into another glass and toss the first glass.

“No, it will be too cold.”

I start over.

So now, 4 minutes into this row, I turn to the 3rd person who has been watching me with their headphones on. Again, I ask if he would care for a beverage.

“What?”

“Would you like something to drink?”

“Huh?”

Personally, I have no words for this. I only have “the look.” You really don’t want to be on the receiving end of “the look” and it speaks volumes, particularly when the other person is wearing noise canceling headphones. Finally the headphones come off.

“Would you like a beverage?”

Wait for it…

“What do you have?”

Now there is always a pause here as each of my filters slam down into position and all of the wonderfully creative answers coursing through my brain get deleted. I mean I would have all of the time in the world to read the entire In-Flight magazine with the choices listed if I thought this was a newbie, but without fail this is the guy who yelled at me when boarding and told me he knew his carry-on fit overhead because “he flies all the time.” Stop and think about how that sounds to someone who flies for a living. Take all the time you need.

“Soft drinks, coffee, tea, fruit juice, cocktails, beer and wine.”

“Coffee.”

“Cream or sugar?”

 

Why do you DO that?

 

 

Do You Do That At Home?

Will some of you tell me about the door knobs on the bathrooms in your homes? Maybe submit some pics in the comments section if you don’t mind? I’ll tell you why; it has been a burning question among crew members as we sit on jumpseats near lavs for years and observe passengers struggle mightily to enter aircraft lavatories, that we must be missing something.

Do ANY of you have a square door knob in the direct center of the bathroom door?

Anyone?

I’ll wait.

lavashtray

Over and over for years we have watched as folks approach the door, latch on to that ashtray right next to the round door knob and pull on it until they yank it right out of the door. Usually they hand it to us with a glare like it’s our fault, and then turn the knob, open the door, and enter. I have nothing for this. We just look at each other and shrug. Any more, none of us have anything. It is universal though. You can ask any flight attendant from any airline worldwide. Things must just look different at altitude, is that it??

While I’m asking about things you do at home, that we all kind of wonder about…

Do you really floss at the table and then just throw the used floss on your dinner plate?

Then do you leave it there knowing that someone else is going to clear your plate for you and have to look at it?

You didn’t really think that through did you?

floss

And maybe, just maybe you get all comfy and take those socks off (ok, stop there) and give those dogs a good massage in your living room, but do you clip your toenails there too? And just let the toenails drop? And put it on speakerphone so a whole lot of people can listen to that disgusting sound? And leave those nasties there when you get up and go to bed? Nah, didn’t think so.

Well, your flight crew has been just wondering:

Do you do that at home???

feet

You Are Not At Home

OK, You are NOT at home

slob

So clearly the flying public has gotten very comfortable with air transportation and when some folks board a flight they tend to feel like this IS their home for the next few hours. We love that. We want people to feel welcome and relaxed. It is a public form of transportation, though, and there should be boundaries that allow everyone some comfort and relaxation. I’m not going to single anyone out here, you will know who you are, but here are a few professional tips on how to share the space better.

Eating:

burger

A primary source of entertainment on board is eating. Since most airlines don’t serve food any more, we opt to bring our own. The very best food? Something you really love from home. Fresh food that is exactly what you love. Not everyone has the time or the inclination to go that route so the most common solution is to grab something in the airport. It’s a no-brainer to grab a burger or slice of pizza. Please use your brain. Consider what that is going to smell like in a confined space. Picture sitting next to a burger and fries with a migraine headache. Sure, it’s not your problem, but that’s not really the point. We are all in it together. Some day it will be your problem. Pick something less aromatic. There are lots of sandwiches made daily available, salads, smoothies and such. Try to veer away from the hot, heavily spiced choices. You have the right to truly enjoy what you are eating right up to the point it affronts everyone around you. It’s one flight. Take one for the team.

Processing:

lav

Not too long after eating comes the bathroom break. Our favorite “It’s about me and too bad, you can just wait” move is in the morning when Joe businessman heads up to the lav with the Wall Street Journal neatly folded and tucked under his arm. Dude. This isn’t your en-suite. Tic toc tic toc. And then the bomb hits you. Which brings me to the next piece of Jetiquette advice:  The Courtesy Flush. No matter what your Mother told you about wasting water, it is ok and even advised to evacuate all solids ASAP! Then finish reading about hog futures or whatever. The final effort after the final flush is to wash your hands thoroughly. Not only good hygiene but it fills the room with the scent of soap. Pause during washing and hold your soapy hands up to the air vent to disperse the soap smell around the room. Finally, wipe down the sink. NOW, you will leave a bathroom ready for the next guest.

Newspaper Jetiquette:

There’s nothing like a good lazy read of the Sunday paper at home where you just toss it all around while lounging in your jammies. Eventually you clean it up though. Don’t you???? Please don’t leave the paper spread across 2 rows like you have purchased a plane ticket and a personal housekeeper and a mother for the price of your ticket. Your seatmates may not enjoy the sports section at their feet either.

Entertainment:

Hours in one place is a great time to download some bingeworthy entertainment and catch up. Please be mindful that these are close quarters and everyone is curious about what everyone else is doing. Crew walking up and down the aisle looking for service items to pick up are always looking around. Nobody wants to catch a glimpse of your fave soft porn. Really. It’s shared space, save that for home.

Luggage:

Ok, sad truth. You purchased a seat and the space under the seat in front of you. You personally do not own any of the overhead space. Just let go of fighting over it. Also let go of reclined seats. Yes, they are too close together. Yes, it is a crime, but as long as they have a recline function, we cannot tell someone not to use it. My suggestion is never to get in a big fight. That’s just Neanderthal. You might consider pointing your air vent straight forward onto the offending passenger, though and making that person just as uncomfortable…

Shared Space:

Its popular to blame the air on jets for getting sick every time you fly. Truth is, those HEPA filters they have invested in and the fresh air recirculation (yes really!) makes the air better than that in a movie theater. The problem is the multitude of shared surfaces in a small area that everyone touches. If it was the air, no crew member could do more than 2 trips in a row. The surfaces are like spending 2-10 hours in your child’s kindergarten class, though. Think petri dish.

Your crew is mindful of this and is discreetly obsessive about self-protection. We always have hand sanitizer in our pockets. Once we leave a clean zone we never touch any bodily openings. Eyes, nose, mouth and even ears. Nothing that could be a portal to the inside. We don’t get to the back of the plane and in a fit of hunger rip open a bag of peanuts and pour some in our hand and start chomping. You will see us pour them into the second cup from the stack and then pour them into our mouth without touching the cup. It’s a skill.

If you ever sit next to a flight attendant who is a  passenger on a plane you’ll know it. After meticulously storing a copious quantity of items in crannies you never thought of so all necessities will be in reach during the flight, out comes the sanitizing wipes. Every surface the last guest might have touched is wiped down. By this I mean:

  • The arm rests
  • The tray table and latch for the table
  • The edge of the seat pocket
  • The entertainment monitor and controls
  • The remote
  • The seatbelt and buckle
  • The sides of the seat
  • The overhead control panel
  • The air vent (allowing clean air to blow out)
  • Quick wipe over the seat itself

Now your area is yours. Who cares if you look neurotic? Then just set your wipes and bottle of hand sanitizer out on your tray and prepare to enjoy your flight. If you leave your area, try to touch as little as possible. You really don’t have to grab every seat back on the way to the lav (your fellow fliers will thank you) and you don’t have to lean on things to wait. Wash and wipe down after the lav, but then come back and sanitize. This will cut down on your flight related illnesses.

Free tip on hotels:

While we are talking shared space and staying healthy, you might consider taking a few minutes to make your hotel room your own upon arrival just like your neurotic flight crew does. I thought maybe I was a little over the top, but when the stories started flying at debriefings about check-in routines, I was somewhere in the middle on OCD behavior. It works for me though, so here are some tips from the professionals on what to do when you check in to stay healthy in a hotel.

Grab your sanitizing wipes and start at one end of the hotel room and work to the other. Wipe down any surface you look at that you might touch. Obvious offenders always include:

  • Handle on sliding door
  • Knobs on lights and light switches
  • Tables, Desks
  • Phones (call room service?)
  • Room service menu
  • Pens
  • Remote
  • TV (turn it to change position)
  • Clock
  • Nightstands
  • Door handles (bathroom, exterior door, closet)
  • Toilet and sink handles
  • Coffee maker
  • Refrigerator/Microwave handles
  • Mugs/wine glasses (rinse)
  • Don’t use the first tissue that is folded pretty. Nobody washed their hands before they folded that tissue after they cleaned the toilet…

Of course for security sake you always check under the bed, behind the curtains and step out in the hall and count the doors to the nearest exit and note which way you turn to reach it. Then place your key in the same spot every time so you can grab it in a panic out of a sound sleep with the building on fire during an earthquake.

Are you getting the picture why even though we can fly for free, flight attendants still can have a hard time finding travel partners?

It’s a process.